


The Things You Can't Think About, and the Things You Can

by megkat



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6946261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megkat/pseuds/megkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this was written before 12x24, or even before the promo was released, so post 12x23 au </p>
<p>When a car accident leaves April and Ben stranded on the side of the road, desperate measures must be taken. Explores how various characters could handle April and the baby's uncertain fate.</p>
<p>“Everything’s going to be fine– you can do this. Me and the baby, we’ll be fine.” And if it’s a lie, she’s pretty sure God wouldn’t be mad at her for this one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_My baby will be fine._

Mantras are recommended. That’s one of the things April remembers from the birthing books and pamphlets and classes. Different mantras were suggested, all meant to soothe an anxious mother to be. A set phrase to provide comfort in times of distress. And even before that, before the positive pregnancy test(s), (from both times, though she can’t think about that right now), she herself had been a cheerful advocate for mantras. 

_Only you can keep you down._  
_You are the future of medicine.  
You’re not just a good doctor, you’re a great doctor._

_I am a soldier._  
_Me and you.  
My baby will be fine._

Ben knew that some people, Miranda included, thought he was arrogant. Even though he had been able to get OR time as an anesthesiologist, it still grated. Where one person (or some people) saw arrogance, he saw confidence. Furthermore, nearly every surgeon at Grey Sloan could be called arrogant. That was just the name of the game. And they- no, not they, Miranda thought he had gone too far. 

But did she want him to walk into an OR scared? Surgeons can’t be scared. They have to make tough calls, quick decisions, everyday to save lives. He’d spent enough time in an OR, even back before his residency when he was only an anesthesiologist, to be certain of that. But… he falters for a moment. They weren’t in an OR. He and April were alone in a car on the side of the road, with only a few surgical instruments on hand. Gretchen McKay had been in a hallway. So maybe… maybe it was only natural that he was a little scared right now. They weren’t in an OR. There were no other surgeons assisting him, no attendings. They didn’t have the proper equipment. And it was his coworker, a friend that needed him. His best friend’s pregnant wife- no, ex-wife, needed him. But doing a crash c-section… like this… in these conditions… even he had some reservations about it. 

For better or for worse, April Kepner was stubborn. She had been since the day she was born, according to her father. He had always said that if anybody could make the sun rise in the west instead of the east, it’d be her. And so, if someone were to ask her, it was her stubbornness now that was going to get them through this. She was the one insisting that Warren get this baby out- demanding that he get this baby out. She looks at up Warren, trying to focus on his eyes, but the pain is making it hard for her to concentrate. “You can do this, right? Everything’s going to be fine– you can do this. Me and the baby, we’ll be fine.” And if it’s a lie, she’s pretty sure God wouldn’t be mad at her for this one- _My baby will be fine._

She remembers Jackson telling her about Warren joining the new Plastics Posse. A gleam had appeared in his eyes as he talked about the resident joining the exclusive and oh-so-cool Plastics Posse. April knows how much Sloan’s mentorship meant to Jackson, and how much he wanted to pass that on. Sometimes… sometimes she had caught him staring him off at nothing, and she knew, she just knew, that he had been thinking of Sloan. But Jackson didn’t like talking about it. 

Warren nods, quickly preparing the few instruments he has, before looking deep into her eyes, saying, “That’s right, I can. You’re going to be fine, everything’s going to be alright.” She knows, even through all the fights and the heartache and the divorce, that Jackson still cares about her. In some way. She had been his best friend. His favorite person. And this- this would hurt him. Furthermore, she once again knew, just knew, how much Jackson loves this baby. Jackson wants this baby. So Warren, as Jackson’s friend, has something greater at stake here too. April wasn’t sure if that made her feel better or worse. 

_My baby will be-_

“But, if- if it comes to it– you have to save the baby. Save the baby. No matter what. Ok? Please. Don’t worry about me. Just– save the baby… please. Promise me.” She can hear how hysterical she sounds, and her mantra isn’t working anymore. 

“How about I save you both?” Warren replies, with a comforting hand on her forehead. Those words echo and ring throughout April’s head before she nods. She remembers saying that exact thing to Elyse Cruse. But April couldn’t save her. Through all the divergent paths their lives had taken, Elyse and her husband had found each other. They were “mint to be”, April thinks with an overwrought chuckle before gasping at the pain. Ben’s eyes darted to her and his hands moved just a bit faster. Elyse and her husband, they- they should’ve been together, forever. But a tanker exploded. And in life, tankers explode and crazy people shoot up hospitals and planes crash and bus crashes and… and people die. And Elyse’s husband had been left alone to raise their daughter. 

April takes a shuddering breath. Jackson is going to be a great father. He is a great father. He could- he could do it on his own. If he had to. _My baby will be fine._ If all she needed was sheer power of will and belief, it’d be true. 

The pain is growing more intense now, and suddenly, vividly, she thinks about her and Jackson’s conversation at Joe’s. She wasn’t lying when she said she wanted him in the room. He should be in the room, he should be here. Not just so he could witness the birth of his child but- but because he had been her best friend. Before the divorce, before Jordan, before- her mind stutters on the thought- before Samuel, before Lake Tahoe and San Francisco, he had been her best friend. Her favorite person. And right now, she was scared and in pain and just wanted her best friend. Warren takes a deep breath, drawing April’s eyes to him. April knows she needs to focus. She has survived a shooting, getting fired (twice), failing her boards, faced a war zone and insurgents, and most devastatingly, the death of her son and the dissolution of her marriage. She only grits her teeth, knowing that no matter what happens, she will get her baby through this. _My baby will be fine_ she thinks. 

And so she can’t think about the last pregnant woman Warren operated on, Gretchen McKay and the desperation she and Arizona had felt, trying to save her. April can’t think about the fact that the patient had bled out on their table, the fact that the baby didn’t survive. She can’t think about how bloody her pretty purple dress is. April can’t think about butterflies or fortune cookies or Easter egg hunts. She can’t think about how tightly Jackson’s hand had clutched hers as they ran from the barn, as if he’d never let her go. She can’t think about Samuel’s finger curling around hers, before he did let go. She can’t think of how she had stared at this baby on the ultrasound in utter awe or Jackson’s eyes or- 

She can only think _my baby will be fine._

_Our baby will be fine._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> features a flashback to early/mid season 7

Jackson remembered his conversation with April in the supply closet. She had pointed out the spot where Reed had died, and all the red of the blood; he had remembered the elevators near where Charles had died, and thought of how his hands had been shaking when he heard there was a shooter. She was a virgin; he was awkward about it. Well, they were both awkward together, and they both left quickly. But that was then.

And this is now. And she is red hair and pale skin and pink lips and- and she has to still be breathing. _She has to,_ he thinks, and his hands are shaking. 

\-----

They had been friendly at Mercy West, but nothing like this. There’d always been this competitive edge and aggressiveness that had characterized all the residents’ relationships with another at that hospital. Now? Well, Jackson and April were sitting on his bed at the frat house drinking beers after a long shift. They had recently moved in, because- well, for the same reason they were sharing beers right now. (But he refused to consider the idea that Meredith had pitied him- them- because they weren’t pitiable. They were fine. He was fine. And if everybody could just pretend they didn’t hear him screaming at night, that’d be great.)

“Blood. There was just… there was so much of it. And now, sometimes, I try to think of her face… and I just see blood, I just see red. I just see red and I just see the hole in her head, and- and the blood, the red- it’s all over me too,” April says all at once, on one long unbroken breath, her shoulders shaking, before more sobs escape.

Jackson sits and just stares for a moment, before patting her arm. He’s gotten better at this, at least compared to their encounter in the supply closet. “It’s… it’s okay. I get it. I-” He hesitates. He hadn’t wanted to share this part with anyone. Not Lexie, because despite how they had bonded over that kid who had lost his brother, and despite the fact that she, along with April, had woken him up one too many times from one too many nightmares, he still wanted her to view him as- well, as strong. He also hadn’t told Dr. Perkins, because once Jackson had reached the bare minimum requirements to be cleared for surgery, he did not want to discuss what happened that day with that man ever again.

“My hands were shaking. I had to go back into the OR and my hands were shaking.” He says quietly, eyes darting to April’s face. She blinks up at him, confused for a moment. Jackson looks back down at his beer bottle, his short fingernails pulling at the label. “Shepherd told me about the gunman and I had to go back in there and pretend everything was fine. And my hands were- were shaking. Both Hunt and Altman noticed. I had never been so scared in my life. I was terrified. But I had to be ok. I had to focus, so we could save the patient, then save Shepherd. But, after- after everything, when we were out, and I heard about Reed and- and Charles, I wasn’t sure if my hands would ever be steady again. In the OR, or- well anywhere.” He finishes, looking once more at April. Thankfully, she had stopped crying, though that may have been because she was still looking at him with a puzzled expression. He playfully bumps his shoulder against hers, before holding up his hands near her face. “But now? See, they’re steady. They’re steady here, and they’re steady in the OR. I’m steady. And me and you? We’re going to be fine.” Jackson reaches over and takes her hand into his larger one, squeezing it. 

April smiles a watery smile, nodding. “Yeah, we’re going to be fine.”

\-----

Alex wields through traffic, carefully but quickly. He knew Avery wanted him to go faster- hell, he wanted to go faster, but getting into an accident wouldn’t help anybody. They needed to get to April as quickly as possible to help however they could, but they needed to be in one piece. Robbins perched nervously in the backseat, and Alex could hear her nails drumming a staccato rhythm on the interior door panel. Alex wants to tell her to knock it off, but, truth be told, he’s a little afraid that anymore sudden noises or movements and Avery would flip out. 

They had been seated at the wedding reception when Jackson’s phone rang, disturbing the table. Alex had been about to make a crack about the Avery family etiquette, about answering your cellphone at not only the dinner table, but at a wedding reception, when he sees Jackson’s face. As a surgeon, Alex likes to think he has a sixth sense about emergencies (especially considering how many emergencies had struck their very own at Grey Sloan). And so, he could immediately tell by Jackson’s face that this… this was an emergency. And not just a patient. 

Jackson’s face loses all color, before he chokes out in a low tone, “Wait… what happened to April?” The plastic surgeon stands up, fumbling his phone, haphazardly pulling his car keys from his pocket. So Alex stands up, grabs Avery’s keys, because he was in no condition to drive, before making his way over to Arizona’s table. “You need to come with us, alright? It’s Kepner.” Arizona’s face falls, and before she can say anything, Alex quickly says, “And I know you fired her as your patient but it’s an emergency, and you’re the best, so we need-” 

By this point, Arizona had already quickly risen before making her way to the exit where Jackson stood. She quirks an eyebrow at him. “Are you coming or not?”

\-----

April was red. If Jackson had to assign a color to her, it’d be red. Not just because of the color of her hair (although he remembers running his fingers through her hair, holding her to him, or cupping her face before pressing a soft kiss to her head, and that was red too). She was red because she was fiery and impulsive and stubborn, and sometimes he couldn’t keep up with the way her mind careened from one idea to another, though he kept up better than anyone else could. But now- but now-

There was just red.

His hands were shaking. Again. Jackson Avery prided himself on being a man people could depend on. He was chairman of the board at Grey Sloan Memorial. He was an Avery and a damn good surgeon. He saved lives, he helped patients. He remembers something April had told him, about why Arizona was named Arizona–it wasn’t because of the state, it turns out. He had thought about it, and thought he too could be a good man in a storm.

But his hands were shaking. Again.

His hands had shaken when he heard there was a shooter in the hospital.

His hands had shaken, only a little this time, when he stood up in the barn. They didn’t shake because he was unsure. They were shaking because he was, once again, terrified. He was standing up before his friends, his colleagues, For himself, for her, for them. Because his life was on a precipice, just like before. He wasn’t in any physical danger–well, maybe he was about to have his lights knocked out by Matthew–but his future, their future, was still hanging in the balance. He loved her, and she was red hair and pale skin and pink lips, and so his hands were shaking. They had only stopped shaking when she made her way down the aisle and fiercely grasped his hand in hers and they turned to run together. 

They were together, so his hands stopped shaking.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This time, April and the baby were supposed to be safe. They were- he was supposed to be in the room and he was supposed to be able to take care of them, both of them, his family. _His family._ Not the family that, who he ultimately loved, carried the heavy weight of legacy and the Avery name. This was the family that he and April first created together when they said their vows at Lake Tahoe, then again when the pregnancy test(s) were positive. They were a family even as pieces broke off and papers were signed. And so Jackson feels helpless and desperate, again, all of the things he had felt before, when Samuel… His chest feels tight, he can’t breathe, and his hands shake. They can’t stop shaking.

They had lost Samuel, and the ache of it broke them both, and then he lost her. She had traveled across the world, away from him, and all he had around him was a nursery that taunted him with all that he had lost and- throw pillows. Of course he had been surrounded by throw pillows. 

Or, at least… he thought he lost her. But… she was still here. She was alive, not like their son who they loved so deeply yet knew so briefly. They were divorced, but at least now they were talking. They had had a drink at Joe’s and they were talking. Their eyes had met over their healthy baby’s ultrasound and she had been smiling; he was pretty sure it had to have been the most beautiful thing in the world. They had felt their baby kick together, as she pressed his hand against her belly, and his hands were so sure then. She was alive and fiery and impulsive, she was still red and pale and pink and- and she was breathing. She was carrying their baby and she was breathing. _She- she’s still breathing,_ he tells himself, _both she and the baby are still breathing,_ because otherwise- otherwise, this, this would be the true loss. This would be the loss that would completely and utterly break him and- his hands will not stop shaking. 

They arrive at the scene, brakes squealing, where apparently an ambulance had finally arrived. Jackson throws open the door, letting Karev talk to the policeman, because he can’t wait, that is his family, and both he and Arizona rush forward. 

Then Jackson sees her. The paramedics are carefully loading her into the rig, but Ben’s hands are still hovering near- oh god, in her belly? Jackson isn’t sure, he can’t see. His protege’s hands are red and the purple dress she had been wearing so beautifully is red- and- _April-_

Jackson’s hands are shaking and all he sees is red.


	3. Chapter 3

You’re not supposed to operate on family. That’s one of the first, most basic things you learn in med school. How can you be truly objective when it’s someone you care about lying open on the table? When you’re emotionally compromised, how do you know what’s the right call?  
Arizona had once again been reminded of this fact when she had fired April as a patient. She’d been too close to the situation, and the specter of what happened to Samuel had loomed over them all. She had wanted to be April’s friend, and she was, but now… now she had to focus. Because right now, she can’t think of April as her friend. She can only think of her as a patient.  


Ben is still frantically working on April when he hears a squeal of tires. The paramedics had arrived, and were loading her in, but he had already started cutting- because he has to save April and the baby. He just has to. Ben is pretty sure he’d never be able to look Jackson in the eyes again if he didn’t, and he can just imagine the disappointment rising again in Miranda’s eyes, but he can’t think about any of that. He has to finish the cut.  
He looks up finally, and there’s Robbins and Jackson. He can’t look at Jackson right now, so he meets Robbins’ eyes, and he can’t tell if there’s any censure in them before she quickly climbs into the ambulance as well. He knows she’s probably thinking of Gretchen McKay, and what he had done, but he had to act then and he had to act now. He knows this.  


Arizona eyes the situation quickly before looking over her shoulder. “Karev!” She yells, “We’re taking the baby out.” The paramedic, who is still locking the stretcher into place within the rig, starts in surprise, before looking down at April, at the ambulance. “You’re doing it here?”  
Alex brushes past Jackson, who is still frozen, staring at everything and nothing. Alex climbs into the rig and immediately starts assessing what supplies they have to support a newborn. Here’s a warming blanket, and there’s- Alex starts cataloging.  


“Avery!” Alex barks. He knows Jackson is going through a lot right now, but him freaking out doesn’t help anybody. “Get the hell in here so we can go. Focus, dude.” Jackson nods rapidly, too rapidly, and Alex gets the vague impression of a bobble head before he starts to prepare the equipment.  
“What the hell happened?” Jackson says finally, hoarsely, jaw clenched as he too climbs into the rig.  


“There was an accident, a car accident, but we were fine, April was walking and talking, and- I mean, she’s a trauma surgeon, she knows trauma, so we started treating the other people, but I think there must have been some internal damage for her. She was hypotensive and she began bleeding.” Jackson makes a low noise at this, and Ben isn’t sure if it’s a groan or if his mentor is going to start crying.  


“I called for the ambulance, but it couldn’t wait. The baby couldn’t wait and she couldn’t wait. It was the only call.” Ben hears how desperate he sounds, and he knows it sounds like he’s making excuses, and he hates it. So much. He hates the lick of fear at his spine, and the whisper of doubt in his head.  
“Warren, stay in here, stay with me. You’re going to assist.” Robbins says firmly, as she moves to sit beside him. She looks like she might want to take over, but his hands are already inside and this is delicate, too delicate at the moment, to risk her taking the scalpel.  


“You started this and you’re going to help me finish,” she says.  


“And… you were right. If you hadn’t started the crash c, odds are… Well the odds wouldn’t have been good. But that didn’t happen then and it’s not going to happen now. So now you’re going help me, and Karev will take care of the baby once it’s out, and we’ll take care of April. We’ll head to the hospital and everything will be fine,” she finishes, and Ben can’t help but notice how pointedly Robbins is avoiding looking at April’s face, because- well, Ben knows they’re close, and this is- this is a mess. Ben finally looks at Jackson, but Jackson is staring too intently at April’s face to notice. Jackson reaches towards April’s hand, hesitantly, before drawing back. He’s just sitting there, hunched near the stretcher.  


“Everything’s going to be fine,” Robbins says firmly, once again, and Ben isn’t sure if she’s trying to convince him or herself or Jackson.  


“Jackson…” he begins, but then his friend, his mentor finally looks up at him like he’s not really seeing him at all and it’s a mess.  
Goddamn, this is a mess.  
________________________________________  


All Jackson sees is red. There is red hair and red blood and there’s a part of him, the part of him that is practical and pragmatic and sensible, the part that believes in science, in medicine, that knows that a crash c-section started on the side of the road doesn’t have great chances for survival. If they couldn’t save that other patient and her baby, when she had been cut open in a hospital hallway, where they could give her immediate medical care, where an OR was just upstairs?  


And so this is the part of Jackson that is completely certain and simultaneously terrified that his… his person is never going to open her eyes again and so at the moment, Jackson can’t see anything (besides red) and he can’t hear anything (besides his pulse booming in his ears and the strange echo of the sirens as the ambulance makes its way to Grey-Sloan Memorial) and he can’t feel anything. Jackson’s hands had been shaking, and they are still shaking, but now they were also numb. He wants to hold April’s hand, because Jackson is pretty sure if he could feel anything at all, it would be her, it’d be April, but his friends and coworkers are all crowded around her. And he has to let them work, he has to let them save their baby, and he has to let them save April. Otherwise, Jackson’s not sure if he’ll feel anything ever again.  
It’s only when he hears a baby’s piercing cry split through the air that Jackson suddenly feels and hears and sees everything all at once.


	4. Chapter 4

Catherine Avery was a fighter. For better or for worse, she was. She fought for what she believed in, she fought for what she wanted– she had always been a scrapper. And there was nothing Catherine Avery hated more than a fight she knew she could not win.

She never met her grandson for the brief time he was alive. She only saw him after, and he was so small and still her heart ached. She remembers standing outside Dr. Hermann's office, staring at her son and his wife. Her family. And Catherine's heart ached so much that she felt it in her toes and at the back of her neck, every part of her body felt it. Her heart broke of its own accord, all by itself, for she was a grandmother with no grandchild to hold. It also broke for her daughter-in-law, whom Catherine had always had a soft spot for, ever since April was a young intern writing in that red notebook of hers. But ultimately, and most of all, her heart broke for her son. Catherine had raised this bright young man herself, alone, and each time she sees him standing tall and sure, her heart near bursts with pride.

But right now, at this moment with a storm raging outside, her son is slumped on the hospital floor, resting his elbows on his bent knees. His eyes are wild and bloodshot, making them seem even more impossibly green (his father's eyes, Catherine thinks, but he's nothing like his father, she had raised him to be stronger than that) and his tie is askew, and he looks like the portrait of a broken man.

And so her heart just aches. Again.

"Jackson, sweetheart-"

"Don't."

Catherine stops in her tracks, eyes moving every inch of him. Her son has grown up, become a man; he is a surgeon and had been a husband and a father (and then he wasn't), and now he is a father again. But she looks at him, and she still remembers how little he had been in her arms when she held him for the first time. It doesn't matter how old he gets, he will always be her child.

"How's the baby? How's… how's April?" She asks tentatively, taking a small step forward.

"I said, don't." Jackson says tersely, his voice as sharp as a knife. "I know you've been angry with her. And yes, ok, April went too far with the restraining order, but she was scared, Mom! Goddammit, she was scared of you and of me and of us, she was scared of the fucking Averys. So, don't. Alright? I can't hear you talk about her right now."

Catherine just stands there for a moment, her eyes narrowing. Any other time, she would smack her son for talking to her like that. But now… now she just pulls a chair next to him. They sit there under the fluorescent lights of the hospital hallway, for seconds, minutes, just absorbing the quiet, before Jackson speaks again.

"I have a daughter, Mom. Me and April… we have a daughter." He finally says wistfully, eyes staring far away at something not here. Catherine's heart flares. A granddaughter.

"Oh, baby." At this, Catherine drops a kiss to her son's head. "Is Karev working on her?" Catherine asks.

"Yeah. Yeah, her heart was having some problems, so Riggs is in there too. They said it it was looking good so far, Karev said… and he said she was strong." His voice takes on a tinge of pride. "But April…" And this is where her son's voice breaks. "She- she was bleeding internally, and then she was bleeding out. Her BP dropped, and there was more internal damage than expected, and there are some complications. So they told me to wait here. For both of them." Jackson takes a deep, shuddering breath, shaking his head fiercely, his eyes filling with tears. Jackson so rarely cries. Even when he was an infant, he was one of those rare babies who would actually sleep through the night.

"What if she's not okay, Mom? What if April and the baby aren't ok?" After all of the rage that had charged his previous rant, this was quiet. This was soft. Catherine's heart breaks (again) and she wishes she could take his pain away. She wants to just take this hurt off of his shoulders, just clutch it all in her fists.

"They will be. You have to believe that, sweetheart. Now, is he good? Your Dr. Warren?" she asks, glancing over at him. She had heard about what happened, and had Richard drive her to the hospital immediately. Now this Dr. Warren was assisting Dr. Robbins in the OR.

Jackson swallows, hesitating a second too long. "He's- he's good. He is. He knew what he was doing." But Catherine knows her son well enough to tell by the clench in his jaw that there is an underlying worry there, and she sees it, and it's enough to spark worry within Catherine as well.

But, she reminds herself, her son was strong and April was strong, and so their daughter would be strong. Catherine had to admit, despite how furious she was when she heard April had filed that restraining order, despite how her blood had boiled, she couldn't deny the smidgen of grudging respect she felt towards her former daughter-in-law. Catherine would never admit it, and she'd only acknowledge this fact in her own mind, but Catherine is self-aware enough to know she probably would've done the same thing as April, for one simple reason. Catherine Avery was a fighter, and April Kepner was a fighter too. Her son had fought for what he wanted, what he loved when he stood up in that barn, and April Kepner ran towards that love and grabbed it with both hands. Even in her anger after their elopement, even in her recent fury, Catherine knew that to be true.

She suddenly, inexplicably thinks of her ex-husband. William Avery's eyes could be so terribly cold. William could look at Catherine, and they could be just glacial. But Jackson's eyes… when he looked at April Kepner, they were always warm. Even when he was angry, they were on fire.

Catherine didn't believe in a god; she believed in science and she believed in medicine. She believed that good people raising their babies right is what made the world a better place and she believed that what somebody fights for- that, that is the mark of a person. For better or for worse, April Kepner was a fighter. Catherine knew that.

"She's a fighter, baby. She'll keep fighting."

"Dammit, suction, Deluca. Cauterize that bleed, Warren," Arizona barks, and her hands are moving as fast as they can (but she knows not fast enough and it's not enough), when the frantic beeping of the monitors penetrates her mind.

"She's crashing!"

And for someone who worked in peds, for someone whose father would have disciplined her if she cursed while growing up (and as someone who fully planned to use a swear jar when Sofia was old enough), only one sentiment seemed appropriate to Arizona in that moment.

Oh, fuck.

All April sees is white. There is white fluorescent lights above her, and she wakes up gasping, choking, and there's just- white-

"I mean, she's just being a little dramatic right now, wouldn't you say?"

"Shut up Charlie."

Oh, God.


	5. Chapter 5

When facing a trauma situation, it's important to ask questions. The paramedics arrive with a patient and an explanation, but that's rarely the full story. To find the answer, you have to first figure out the question. And April Kepner? Well, she has always liked asking questions. Throughout her education, she had always been the one whose hand was waving in the air, waiting to be called on, dying to know more about whatever the teacher or professor was discussing. Yes, April Kepner generally liked asking questions, considering the situation, and usually she liked answering them too.

But not all questions.

April blinks her eyes against the light, before sitting up on the OR table. She's pretty sure she was just hearing things, but no, there they are. This is Reed with no bullet holes and no trail of blood flowing down from her forehead, and this is Charles- tall, goofy Charles, and they're both smiling, and April's pretty sure this is it. Oh, crap.

"I'm dead, aren't I? I'm dead and you two are here to help me get to heaven? Are you guys… angels?" April asks, looking between the two of them.

"See, Charlie here was convinced you were going to ask us if we were ghosts. But I knew you'd be asking if we were angels. I knew it!" Reed says excitedly, turning with a smirk towards Charles.

"Well, ok, you don't need to gloat. Most normal people don't immediately think angels when they see their dead friends." Charles retorts.

"This… this isn't heaven?" April asks, looking around. Admittedly, it didn't look a lot like what April had imagined heaven to look like. Reed and Charles are wearing their scrubs, and April is-

April looks down and- oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no- her belly is flat. April desperately rubs her hands over her stomach, where is the bump, where is the baby-

A soft hand reaches out and stops her frantic movements. "Calm down, April. The baby's ok. She's fine."

April is about to continue her ramblings when she finally registers Reed's words. "Wait, she? You mean…"

Reed and Charles exchange looks.

"Whoops, spoiler alert there, Reed," Charles says, wincing as Reed shoves him. "A girl… I have a daughter?" April says and her heart is just so full. Impossibly full. "And she's ok?" Charles nods, and so April leans back, because- the baby's ok. Her daughter is ok. April feels like she can finally breathe again, which has to be some form of irony, because just apparently April is dead, or in the process of dying, but she can finally, finally breathe. April should be more shocked by Reed and Charles, she knows, but maybe this is God's way of letting her know it's ok to let go. Maybe, this is part of His plan.

"Paddles!" Ben demands, reaching out blindly for them. This is not happening. He just- he refuses to let this happen. Not again, and not to April. This cannot happen again. "Charge to 300!"

Now Reed and Charles are gone, and April is left calling out, "Reed! Charles?"

"Oh, there's a new doctor in session, Kepner."

"Seriously? Seriously." April looks around because this is really getting ridiculous at this point and… oh wow. She starts to pinch herself.

"Hi," Mark Sloan says with a sly smile. "I don't blame you, for the whole…" Sloan waves vaguely in her direction, "Pinching thing. Many a woman has had to pinch herself in my presence."

Now April is sure that this is indeed Sloan.

"It's good to see you Kepner. I mean, not really, because this? Not a good situation. But it's good to see you to express my congratulations, even though it's a couple years late. I have to admit I was a little surprised about you and Avery. I mean- I'm proud, don't get me wrong- but I was surprised. Didn't I tell you that you should consider extending that study buddy relationship?" Sloan asks with a wink and a nudge.

"Even though you're dead, I'm pretty sure this could still count as sexual harassment," April says, leaning away from him. "Why are you here anyway?"

"I'm not sure. You're the one who called me. Though I have theories."

April waits for a moment, narrowing her eyes. "Well? Are you going to elaborate, or do you just want to be all cryptic?"

Sloan chuckles before shrugging. "Well, I think that I remind you of Avery."

April had been prepared to roll her eyes, had been prepared to scoff. But this- she wasn't prepared for this. She clears her throat, looks away. "Maybe," she concedes.

"He's a good kid. Good head on his shoulders." Mark looks so proud of Jackson, but she can't think about Jackson.

She just—she can't. So all she says is, "Yeah."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sloan asks, tilts his head, maintaining eye contact.

"Not really," April shakes her head ruefully and Sloan smiles.

"Ok, fair enough. But you do have to talk to someone. You have to talk to someone now, and you need to hurry."

Arizona Robbins prides herself on being a good man in a storm. When the cards are down, she can figure out what to do. She's dependable. But this is a storm, and she wasn't feeling good. April was in V-Fib, and Warren was shocking April's heart, and Arizona Robbins is looking down at her best friend's body open on the operating table. And then, she thinks of what to do, and she tries desperately to think of another idea, but… the cards are down, and this is a storm, and Arizona will do what needs to be done.

"10 blade," she says, reaching her hand out for the instrument, and even if she feels any hesitation at all, it can't be heard in her voice.

"You're running out of time, April."

"I know."

Now it's just Reed and April, sitting across from each other on the table.

"Do you, though?" Reed asks, jumping to her feet. "Because right now, you're acting like you have all the time in the world. Right now, you're acting like you don't have to make a decision, make a choice. But you do." April stands up as well, walking around the OR, feeling restless in her skin. "Maybe Charlie and Sloan aren't willing to push you, but I am, and I am telling you, you are running out of time!"

"I'm tired, alright!" April bursts out. "I'm so tired. I feel it everywhere. I'm tired everywhere. I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of fighting with Jackson, I'm- I'm just exhausted." April's eyes fill with tears. "I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of wanting things and being disappointed. We lost Samuel, and I was dying. I don't regret going to Jordan, really I don't. I needed to go, I- I wouldn't have made it if I stayed here. But sometimes, I just feel… I just feel like my heart will never stop wanting and I'm tired of it. And maybe, maybe this is God's plan. Maybe this is my time to go."

Reed's taken aback, April can tell, but she doesn't back down; she doesn't back away. Instead, Reed just moves closer.

"Back when we… when me and Charles didn't make it. Do you remember what you said that day? What you told that man? To save your life?" April's not sure if Reed doesn't know Gary Clark's name, or if she just can't bring herself to give voice to the man who ended her life.

"I mean, yeah I do, I told him about myself, about who I was, how I was a person…" April begins. "I heard about it on Oprah." She's not sure why Reed's bringing this up right now.

"I was already… gone, by that point." Reed looks away for a moment, forehead creasing. "But I heard what you said. Afterwards, I heard. You said you hadn't done anything yet, that you've barely lived, that's no one's loved you yet, that you weren't finished. Do you remember?"

April nods, impatiently, "I mean, ok yes, I remember, but I don't see what that has to do with this."

Reed groans in frustration, before she grabs April firmly by the shoulders and shakes her. "Ok, listen to me, April. April. You have been loved. You are loved. And yeah, maybe you're not a wife anymore, but you're still a mother. And you're a surgeon, and a friend, and a person. You've done things, you served in war zones, you've saved lives, you've- you lived, April." Reed sighs, brushing April's hair behind her ear. "I mean, look at you. You've lived. You've done things. You've been loved. None of that's not in question anymore. The question is, are you finished?"

Are you finished?


	6. Chapter 6

Jackson Avery knows what it feels like to fall in love. He's not an expert, by any means, but he's done it before, and then he's not done it before. He didn't fall in love (twice), and then he fell in love once, again and again, a million different ways.

Some people believe in love at first sight, and some people believe in soulmates, but Jackson Avery had never believed in either.

And then he believed in both.

He had at first believed he was in love with Lexie Grey. She was beautiful and smart and funny, but there was always something holding him back from truly falling- the throwing yourself over a cliff kind of falling. He and Lexie were never fully in sync; that plus the addition of Mark, well… She was throwing yourself over a cliff in love with Mark, and Jackson realized he wanted the kind of love that he wouldn't, couldn't walk away from. He wanted a love he would choose above all else (even plastics). He and Lexie both deserved that kind of love. So ultimately, he cared about Lexie Grey, deeply, but he wasn't in love with her.

Stephanie Edwards was whip-smart and ambitious and pretty. And Jackson cared about her, he truly did… despite how some people doubted. It had started off as fun and then grew more serious, but Jackson could admit, after the wedding, after everything, that he had been in denial for a long time. He felt awful about how he had hurt Stephanie- hell, he still feels awful, even after all this time, and she was a great girl… but she just wasn't the one.

Those were two times Jackson Avery definitively did not fall in love. And now, this is the time he did.

Jackson is sitting in the NICU, fingers tracing over his daughter's incubator. It's marked, yes, but there's no name, because- well, because his daughter doesn't have a name yet.

There'd been 3D ultrasounds sent over email, and cordial ob-gyn appointments, and discussions at Joe's about custody arrangements, but the one thing they hadn't talked about was the name. They both had decided to wait to find out the sex, and now April is still in surgery and Jackson is staring down at their daughter, and… it's a lot.

This kind of all encompassing love is… aggressive. It's like a battering ram. Jackson falls in love all at once, every part of him just wholly, incurably in love. He had looked at Samuel, and even though it hurt, so much, he was in love the moment he saw his son. Well, from the moment he saw the ultrasound, if he's being honest. And now, Jackson is looking down at his daughter, April's daughter, their daughter- and it's just so immediate. Instantaneous, terrifying, awe-inspiring, he- he can't handle this. His heart's too big for his body.

"You're gonna have a great name, ok sweetheart? We just have to wait for your mom." And he'll wait. He had still been in the hospital hallway, waiting (he's starting to feel like he'll be waiting all his life) when Karev had entered the hallway. His mom had gone off to talk with Richard, so he'd been alone, when Karev had come in, and his heart stopped. But then Alex asked him if he wanted to see his daughter, and so his heart started again.

Jackson is just going to look at his daughter, because if he doesn't, his mind will jump to her mother, and he can't think about April right now.

Alex is examining the baby in the incubator next to theirs, and glances over.

"Have you heard any updates yet about Kepner?" Alex asks, shifting closer.

Jackson sighs, shaking his head. "No, Deluca came out at one point and said they were still working, but nothing since then."

"Well, that's good though, that he came out. B team, right?" Alex responds, and Jackson smiles. He is also aware that you send out your "B" team, your intern, for the updates, the good news. "A" team is reserved for the bad news.

"Maybe you should go get some sleep. I can keep an eye out for this little ass-kicker," Alex says, smiling down at Jackson's daughter. His daughter. (He still can't take it).

"Nah, thanks though man. I need to wait for April."

Alex harshly chuckles, "Now you're willing to wait for her?"

Jackson tilts his head, wondering if he's really hearing what he's hearing. "What the hell does that mean? She's still my- she's the mother of my child. I care about her, I always will," Jackson says defensively. And yes, there's been awkwardness between them, but they're still partners in this, and he's going to wait for her.

"I'm just saying, dude, you kinda have a tendency to bail," Karev says shrugging.

It would've taken something truly shocking to make Jackson look up from his daughter, and yep, that would do it.

"I'm the one who bails?" Jackson scoffs, ire rising. "She's the one who left. She went to Jordan and she left me, ok?" Jackson is really not in the fucking mood. He's with his daughter, and his- his ex-wife is in surgery, and so now is not the time.

"Chill, ok. I'm just saying, you skipped out on trauma training, you dumped Kepner- two times, I guess technically, and you stopped going to counseling after what, a handful of times?"

Jackson tenses. "How did you hear about that?"

"You should know by now, at this hospital, everybody knows everybody else's business. Anyways, you wait until the life-changing, life or death moments before you do anything. I mean, you stopped Kepner's wedding while she was wearing the big white dress."

Jackson just shakes his head, before turning to keep looking at his daughter. This is what he needs right now- he just needs to focus on this.

"Izzie left me," Alex finally says. Jackson looks back at him, surprised. He has vague memories of a tall blonde woman from the merger striding towards Reed, but he's spent enough time with Alex to know it's rare for the peds surgeon to discuss his ex-wife. "And then she came back, too. But Izzie didn't stay for me. She didn't fight for me. But April… she fought for you. It was actually kind of painful to watch. But she fought, and I don't know… I think that's worth something. Somebody's willing to fight for you, to have somebody who actually accepts your proposals-" Alex cuts himself off, shaking his head.

Jackson's not sure what's up with Alex. There's been a lot of tension recently between him and Wilson, but Jackson doesn't care. He can't handle talking about this right now with his daughter in front of him and April… April's not here. He's about to respond to all this, answer those allegations, but then he sees movement in the corner of his eye.

He turns around, and there's Ben and Arizona, the "A" team and his heart just stops. Again.

Jackson can't pinpoint one exact moment when he fell in love with April. He may have admitted it in a barn, but that was just when he finally stopped denying what he felt. Maybe it was when he was all in and they were laughing and planning "mint to be" mints and butterflies and fields. Or maybe it was at Zola's birthday party, when he was talking to Kelly the nurse. He had happened to look over (but now Jackson can admit it wasn't happenstance, he always kept an eye out for April) and he saw April talking to Karev. She wouldn't really go there again?… the errant thought ran through his mind and suddenly before he knew it, his arm was around her shoulders.

Or maybe it was even earlier, and he didn't even realize it, and it was at a moment in time when he was so frustrated at the world, and his only friend left had entered Hunt and Yang's firehouse crying. And he punched a guy for her. Or maybe it was when she punched a guy for herself. Or maybe-

Basically, Jackson Avery didn't fall in love with April Kepner at first sight. He didn't like her all that much, at first, if he was being honest. And Jackson Avery wasn't always that honest with himself, but he's working on it. Falling in love with April was cumulative, piece by piece. She had been his coworker, and then his friend, and his best friend; but then she became more and after that, she became everything.

He remembers telling his mother, "She's the one," and while Jackson hadn't believed in soul mates, she's the one wasn't a lie then, it- it wasn't a lie at all.

Jackson walks towards Arizona, and her face is grave. He can't read her face like April can, but then he looks at Ben, and Ben- Ben won't look him in the eye. Jackson's heart stops (again) and he's a man who had never believed in love at first sight or soul mates, but he now knows he was wrong about love at first sight, and maybe he was wrong about soul mates, but his heart has stopped and he's not sure about anything anymore.


End file.
